Twilight sucks!

My school children’s incessant talk over Twilight today has inspired me to write this post. Here I am, ranting about the idiocy of Twilight.

Twilight, Twilight, Twilight - it’s been the new raving and craving of teenagers (and adults) since the book debuted in 2005. Written by Stephenie Meyer, Twilight is a romantic/vampire book told in the first person view of Isabella “Bella” Swan, who is an average 17 year old girl. (But of course she’s merely average!)

“Bella,” as she prefers to be called, moves to Forks, Washington, and meets a rather peculiar boy (or older man, I should say, hehe) named Edward Cullen. To Bella, he happens to be the perfect Adonis with - you know - the “well-chiseled chest,” the “perfectly muscular body,” and that gorgeous, sharp angular jaw we girls love to dream about. Obviously, Bella finds Edward extremely attractive and mysterious, and she begins her quest to find out his deep, dark, hidden secret!

Obviously, Edward turns out to be a vampire - a vegetarian vampire, that is (he eats animals, not humans). During the first few chapters of the book, he is so deeply attracted to Bella that he avoids her to prevent himself from munching on her oh-so-innocent, porcelain, and fragile skin.

Text from the book:

“So,” I said after a moment, finally meeting his anxious gaze. “What’s your favorite?”
He raised an eyebrow and the corners of his mouth turned down in disapproval. “Mountain lion.”

LULZ.

Not to mention the overuse of adjectives:

Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn’t get used to it, though I’d been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn’t sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.

And WHEN does a 17 year old girl ever talk like that? Keep in mind, this book was written from Bella’s point of view.

The main problem I have with this book is the main character Bella Swan. An extremely shallow and insecure being, she is immediately besotted with this “mysterious” man and wants to know who he is and what his secrets are. Of course, it can’t be sex that Edward wants from her, because they’re not allowed to have it! And sex is so subtly ignored in this book, and it’s annoying. I kept waiting for Edward and Bella to have something like this:

*not actual text from the book
Edward’s beautiful, well-chiseled chest faces my average looking body. “What is it Edward? Are you okay?” I slowly, timidly reach for his cold but perfect hand.

His intense eyes, a color I cannot fathom, stare back into my dull eyes. “My blood is rushing down my body. You must help me get this over with, or I may eat you and turn you into a horrible vampire.” He groans something I cannot understand.

My heart desperately sinks for him. I cannot stand the pain he is possibly going through. I’ve never felt such pain as he has. “Oh, Edward!” I squeal.

Suddenly, his large, cold, perfect hands lunge after my body. I gasp at the feel of his adroitly wonderful hands touching my body.

“Oh, Edward!” Electricity flows through my veins.

“We mustn’t do this! I’m a horrible vampire.” His face presses against my chest.

Slowly, his sharp, dense teeth sink into my fragile skin….

Umm…I think I did a good job imitating Stephenie Meyer?

As demonstrated, Bella is retarded and AN INSULT TO ALL THINGS AWESOMELY FEMALE. She is the stereotypical love sick female and needs to die. It makes me angry that Bella gave up her aspiration to attend college, get a job, and everything in between, to freaking marry and make vampire babies with this freak Edward. Oh, by the way, Edward is a creepy S-T-A-L-K-E-R. He is a manipulative crack in a half and basically has NO personality. (Yeah, Bella did such a great job describing him as nothing but perfect!)

I cannot believe the utter crap that people read today. I bought Twilight thinking it would be a really awesome book (seriously, I had no previous bias) because everyone was talking about it. And, boy, was I proved wrong! …I also learned a very awesome and concrete lesson that people are stupid. Popularity is stupid. (Which, of course, I realized before I read this book. But now I realize it even more.)

Not only that, Stephenie Meyer MARY SUED this ENTIRE book. NOT EVEN KIDDING! That kid Jacob Black is based off of her husband; Bella is OBVIOUSLY based off of herself; and Edward - God, I don’t even know - the stereotypical, mysterious, perfect, adroitly sexual man we females would all love to have.

Also, I have a theory to why so many children my age are obsessed with these books:
1. It reads like “starter porn.” Because not many kids have read erotica, they find Twilight rather seductive in such a subtle way. Of course, they don’t realize that they’re getting into a d/s fantasy with Edward. But, that’s okay.

Oh, by the way, the worst part of all: at the end of the series, Bella decides to abandon everything she is and lets Edward eat her to become a vampire. They then, *quotes from the book*, “…we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever.”

Screw Twilight. Screw Stephenie Meyer. You insult me.